I'm still getting use to this place, considering all the freakish snow they had this winter that surprised even then locals I'm thinking F this place it's time I got the hell out. Don't get me wrong I kept telling my girlfriend that I hope it snows while she was here so she could have a white Christmas, yes despite how much I loath snow there are times I'm willing to look past it for the happiness of someone I care very deeply for. It's a shame she missed it, it truly is and well with all the stuff that happened within a week of her leaving well I really wish she could have stayed longer I could have used the help but I managed.
So a late gift to myself was something nice expensive as hell and oh yeah painful to make the price tag but Uncle Sam did for me as a thank you for being so willing to bleed and die for this ungrateful nation I live in. Oh and we can't forget it'll help make me a better soldier because I can shoot and kill better this way without needing glasses. That's right I went and got PRK done and holy crap did it hurt, though smelling your own eyeballs cook ans you willing look at a laser well that's a whole new level of pain lover or just plain insane, I'll get back with you when I finally figure it out. Plus it'll be wonderful when the sun stops hurting so damn much.
Anyways I thought I'd put up a update on here since it's been freakin forever.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Long time
So here I am writing again, it's been a long while and I've been inactive here but in the world, well in the world I've been busy. I'm back in America finally and happy, I have a beautiful relationship with a beautiful and amazing woman, the much needed kind of relationship at that so life is good. Not much to really say, working on getting PRK surgery for my eyes and from what I understand that's painful. Oh well no worse than the deployment I'm slated for next year sometime. So yeah staying busy and trying hard to stay upbeat.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hair and a nick.
So I'm getting my hair cut at the new place right outside gate one. Well I've gone through the trim down part and all, time to do the clean up and since it's so hot out I asked the lady to shave the sides and back of my head. Which feels wonderful let me tell you, so while she's about her work; she accidentally nicks me. Well it's on one of those really good spots that bleeds like hell for no real reason other than it's close to the bone. So this poor lady is trying to get the bleeding to stop and I'm half asleep through it all. I finally start waking up when the other ladies in the shop start coming around and looking and trying to help. I ask my buddy who is in a chair behind all of this watching a video to take a look and tell me what's going on. "It's only a nick." One of the ladies looks back at him with a wide eyed worried look. Me I'm laying in the chair chuckling to my self while they are freaking out. I tell the one lady to get the super glue and just glue it shut. Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out on springs when I told her that, she said the only glue they have is for finger nails so I told her to get that and put it on. Would have worked faster and better if they would have just wiped the blood away real fast then put a large dose on there. Yeah so after a few drops they break out the Quick Clot, now that I felt!
So once it's all said and done I'm walk away with a free hair cut and shave, a very apologetic lady who wishes for me to come back so she can make this all up to me and do a better job next time. I kinda had fun with all of that. Made up for the massive pain I've been in all day from my ankle to my sore neck from being choked out 4 different times and or having my neck wrenched in a way that if I have let it go much longer would have broken it. So all in all not a bad day, not great but not bad. Oh then there is my very wonderful friend who has been keeping me company the best she can every day given the time differences and honestly they work for us. She presented me with an amazing image for me to put on my shield and Surcoat when I get home. It's freaking amazing. I know who I'm going to for regular art work now, might even have her design three tattoo's for me should I ever decide to get one or three as the case may well be.
So once it's all said and done I'm walk away with a free hair cut and shave, a very apologetic lady who wishes for me to come back so she can make this all up to me and do a better job next time. I kinda had fun with all of that. Made up for the massive pain I've been in all day from my ankle to my sore neck from being choked out 4 different times and or having my neck wrenched in a way that if I have let it go much longer would have broken it. So all in all not a bad day, not great but not bad. Oh then there is my very wonderful friend who has been keeping me company the best she can every day given the time differences and honestly they work for us. She presented me with an amazing image for me to put on my shield and Surcoat when I get home. It's freaking amazing. I know who I'm going to for regular art work now, might even have her design three tattoo's for me should I ever decide to get one or three as the case may well be.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Humanity
I have been given the pleasure of talking with a wonderful friend and it is so nice to be able to open up and not have it used against me. I look forward to our daily talks and the normal jokes and silly humor that goes into it and it makes me feel normal again, something I haven't had in so long. It is nice to once again just be a man, without the pressures of my job weighting down on me or the need to impress in order to get things done for my soldiers or for myself. It's so nice to let the ice melt away and get to be human, to actually be allowed to feel things without reservations. I wish people could understand how wonderful that sensation is to feel again, when you don't live with it for so long you forget how great it is to feel. To be able to just reach out and be peaceful and human.
So thank you my friend, glad I got to prove you wrong about the kind of person I actually am.
So thank you my friend, glad I got to prove you wrong about the kind of person I actually am.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Another hot day down!
So let’s set the stage for today, I wake up still rattled from the nights thunder and lightning, this morning was the Division run and well since my left ankle is a wreck right now I spent my time putting my body through as much muscle failure as I could manage. Now with that being said, I had work to still do for the day and came back to the battery to get cleaned, eat breakfast and changed. Off to work I went, so the day progressed just fine. Hot and sunny a rather nice day, so after lunch the Lt has me and one of the other joes take a HMMWVE over to the paint shop, so we got that ready to roll. Well on the way there, I got to enjoy old times of running around with no top or doors on the truck. Just a seatbelt and my helmet for safety and it felt amazing.
Later in the day however one of the new privates made it a point to back talk and just flat out displays a total lack of discipline and training. It took some time and doing but he is finally starting to understand after a few long ass chewing’s that he needs to keep his mouth under control. I will protect and look after any of my soldiers when they act like soldiers and deserve to be treated as such instead of children I have to babysit. But it let me know exactly what I am dealing with, after a while he finally realized what I was talking about. A few hours later he finally shook my hand and made it clear that he understood why I am doing what I am doing and understood why I chewed him out. So that has been brought to a rest for now but I see more and more every day that I am on a very long road and I choose this road. Like the song asks, when will it rain? I could use the relief of the cool breeze and water.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Another week down
So between the alerts, the rampant stupidity and the weather I have managed to survive yet another week and this time I still managed to stay in good health. Though last weekend would have said other wise when I got so light headed I could barely stand while leaning on a wall, let alone walk; it was more along the lines of falling forward at a walking pace if you will. As for what caused it, who knows and at this point I don't care. It was just that night so I'm doing good, though knowing my record for pushing myself to stupid limits I will probably end up like that again in the near future till I get out of this country.
However while I have had down time and on my days off I have been doing some reflecting and trying to better understand myself and those I care about and why I care about them. Some of them it's just I care about these people and it's just that I care and I don't know why and to be honest it doesn't matter. Others however I have certain reasons why I care about them and most of them are people I took under my wing and have made sure to point them in the right direction, not so much a do what I do but a matter of this is a good idea go for it. I enjoy doing the big brother thing, though I do get tired of raising other peoples kids so there is a major difference in the two.
Look up to the sky, see the moonlit night
The winter night sends shivers up your spine
But it's deep inside your mind that's where you may find
Inner demons and your desire
Don't give up, don't give up
Don't give up, don't you ever give up
Winter Nights by Iced Earth
The above is a great example of when I like to reflect, in the dead of night in winter. This same band does another song about enlightenment that I enjoy as well but I will save that for another time. However one thing I know is that enlightenment can only come from reflection and understanding, however that understanding comes in many forms and ways. I am most familiarly with pain and misery. As these two aspects have been a constant companion for many years and they have taught me so much about my own limits and was to deal with them for others or at least to provide advice to keep someone from getting to were I am. However sometimes we must suffer to learn our own lessons that no one else may teach us from their own experience. I can honestly say though that misery has been less of a companion these last few years as it use to be, more so in these last few weeks. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but I know that I may be facing another deployment here in the next 8 months so the cycle may start again, time will tell.
I have also learned from things like love, oh the things that love has taught me are boundless and the most important in my view. I have also learned the unending limits of what I will do for someone that truly loves me and that I love in return. This is were misery comes in, because I have learned that I am willing and able to kill and if need be die for love and I am completely ok with this fact. Now understand I am tired of the death and misery but I am fully capable of going back to it at the drop of a hat for someone I love, that however is how it should be for any man that is in love and more so if he is married and or has children. Love should be able to drive you to do superhuman acts.
However it all comes down to some major issues for me, I know what my desires are and I know what my inner demons and they are both brutal to deal with. My inner demons have been so up front lately, I have woken up every day for the last week with my bed totally destroyed and or soaked from cold sweats. Yeah the PTSD is coming back in a hardcore way and I think a good deal of it is the undue stress of dealing with this new idiot in charge of the Platoon. Hopefully that will end before I leave, I don't need to be a total wreck when I get back to home and my family sees me in this wrecked state that I'm in.
For now I will close this with this like I do most things.
Memento Mori
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGbEDkurm7w
However while I have had down time and on my days off I have been doing some reflecting and trying to better understand myself and those I care about and why I care about them. Some of them it's just I care about these people and it's just that I care and I don't know why and to be honest it doesn't matter. Others however I have certain reasons why I care about them and most of them are people I took under my wing and have made sure to point them in the right direction, not so much a do what I do but a matter of this is a good idea go for it. I enjoy doing the big brother thing, though I do get tired of raising other peoples kids so there is a major difference in the two.
Look up to the sky, see the moonlit night
The winter night sends shivers up your spine
But it's deep inside your mind that's where you may find
Inner demons and your desire
Don't give up, don't give up
Don't give up, don't you ever give up
Winter Nights by Iced Earth
The above is a great example of when I like to reflect, in the dead of night in winter. This same band does another song about enlightenment that I enjoy as well but I will save that for another time. However one thing I know is that enlightenment can only come from reflection and understanding, however that understanding comes in many forms and ways. I am most familiarly with pain and misery. As these two aspects have been a constant companion for many years and they have taught me so much about my own limits and was to deal with them for others or at least to provide advice to keep someone from getting to were I am. However sometimes we must suffer to learn our own lessons that no one else may teach us from their own experience. I can honestly say though that misery has been less of a companion these last few years as it use to be, more so in these last few weeks. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but I know that I may be facing another deployment here in the next 8 months so the cycle may start again, time will tell.
I have also learned from things like love, oh the things that love has taught me are boundless and the most important in my view. I have also learned the unending limits of what I will do for someone that truly loves me and that I love in return. This is were misery comes in, because I have learned that I am willing and able to kill and if need be die for love and I am completely ok with this fact. Now understand I am tired of the death and misery but I am fully capable of going back to it at the drop of a hat for someone I love, that however is how it should be for any man that is in love and more so if he is married and or has children. Love should be able to drive you to do superhuman acts.
However it all comes down to some major issues for me, I know what my desires are and I know what my inner demons and they are both brutal to deal with. My inner demons have been so up front lately, I have woken up every day for the last week with my bed totally destroyed and or soaked from cold sweats. Yeah the PTSD is coming back in a hardcore way and I think a good deal of it is the undue stress of dealing with this new idiot in charge of the Platoon. Hopefully that will end before I leave, I don't need to be a total wreck when I get back to home and my family sees me in this wrecked state that I'm in.
For now I will close this with this like I do most things.
Memento Mori
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGbEDkurm7w
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Lost
For those who know me, I am not one to let fear control or guide me as I am one who pushes through my fears to lead people beyond their own. Now though I find myself very depressed and a lone, I spoke with my father Friday night local time and the news he gave me hit like a brick. Now understand I have watched my father battle cancer twice, he's had two sets of bypass surgery the first was a set of four bypasses and the second was a set of three bypasses, they wanted to do five but the extra two would most certainly have killed him. He has also had a few strokes. This is a man I have grown up and seen as my hero my whole life, flawed as he may be, he is human. He is tough beyond reasoning and yet so kind a gentle as to make one wonder about the history of his life. Make no mistake though; he's been a warrior like few others and a complete and total hell raiser. Friday he tells me that he's dropped his weight down to 204lbs; now understand that is very light for him. He is 6'3" and I have never seen him that small ever. For those who know me I get my build from my father, the man is a freaking bear of a human being; he looks like he should have been a pro football player up till his first surgery. So when I hear that he's down to 204lbs my brain goes into a spin of what are these symptoms of. The first and major one that came to mind is cancer and scares the hell out of me because he only said he was getting back surgery on June 7th and I know that he has had back problems in the past. I know however that this is different and he doesn't want to tell me because I am so far from home and I can't do anything for him and he doesn't want me worrying and possibly getting myself killed at work.
So yes I'm panicked in the worse possible way and yet there is nothing I can do, but I fear for his life and I yes while I know that death would end his suffering and I know he is I can see it when I look into his eyes. Hell you can hear it in his voice. I remember one email from him and the phone conversation as well that caused the email. He had forgotten about my birthday and it ate him up so bad, I can forgive the man so easy for forgetting my birthday hell that didn’t bother me as much as what he said, he said it was “hard living such an empty and hollow life” that to me said a books worth and so much more. He’s ready to die and has been for some time and it hurts so bad. I still have so much to learn from him, so many great memories of his I wish to know, so many things he could teach me about life and the world even at my age I still can learn from him. His mission is done, he helped take care of two kids, my sister and I. I’m not sure how he feels about how she turned out but he still loves her regardless. I know he is proud of me for serving despite his desire that I not enlist, I made him even prouder when I came back even injured like I was and yet I didn’t shy way. He has seen his grand children born watched at least one of his children get married all be it a very simple and flawed wedding he got to watch it. What I don’t think he is aware of is that if he hangs in there long enough he will live long enough to be a great grandfather.
I feel so sorry for anyone that has to deal with me when I get the news of his passing, I will not be one of sensibility and calm. Already I can feel the pain building and the thought just the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes. I’m not beyond emotion no matter what my ex wife likes to say that I’m emotionally dead, I am far from it I’m just very controlled.
So yes I'm panicked in the worse possible way and yet there is nothing I can do, but I fear for his life and I yes while I know that death would end his suffering and I know he is I can see it when I look into his eyes. Hell you can hear it in his voice. I remember one email from him and the phone conversation as well that caused the email. He had forgotten about my birthday and it ate him up so bad, I can forgive the man so easy for forgetting my birthday hell that didn’t bother me as much as what he said, he said it was “hard living such an empty and hollow life” that to me said a books worth and so much more. He’s ready to die and has been for some time and it hurts so bad. I still have so much to learn from him, so many great memories of his I wish to know, so many things he could teach me about life and the world even at my age I still can learn from him. His mission is done, he helped take care of two kids, my sister and I. I’m not sure how he feels about how she turned out but he still loves her regardless. I know he is proud of me for serving despite his desire that I not enlist, I made him even prouder when I came back even injured like I was and yet I didn’t shy way. He has seen his grand children born watched at least one of his children get married all be it a very simple and flawed wedding he got to watch it. What I don’t think he is aware of is that if he hangs in there long enough he will live long enough to be a great grandfather.
I feel so sorry for anyone that has to deal with me when I get the news of his passing, I will not be one of sensibility and calm. Already I can feel the pain building and the thought just the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes. I’m not beyond emotion no matter what my ex wife likes to say that I’m emotionally dead, I am far from it I’m just very controlled.
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