I am so fucking tired of people bitching about how bad their jobs suck, how bad they have it. Hey assholes wakeup at least you have a fucking job and you get to see your family as well. Granted yes I have a job, I however only have the family I have made for myself basically. But there are those poor souls who are scraping as much as they can to feed their wives and kids because their employer was a fucktard or because the government screwed them over. These poor people in Wisconsin are getting a raw deal from an inept Governor that has no fucking clue how to run a state let alone budget money because chances are the fuckstick came from money and never had to worry about it because daddy was keeping tabs on it for him.
It's shit like this that pisses me off to no fucking ends.
Then you have the bullshit over here, I hate this fucking country. Yes granted one soldier fucked up horribly a few weeks ago and they now act like all Americans are the same way, yet in the states we don't see a Korean as all asians despite them almost all having the same damn mindset. That they are better than everyone else, sorry assholes but before you look down on me, better check the situation you find yourself in. I'm in your fucking country protecting your sorry asses from being invaded and or out right killed by North Korea and or China. I am the wielder of one very big ass stick, one that military wide across all branches and in many of our allied nations that get's called the Grid Square Killer. With the flip of a few switches and the push of a few bottoms I can kill thousands of men and destroy millions of dollars worth of gear, weapons, trucks and buildings. Yet I don't want to kill anyone anymore, I'm tired of the killing.
My ex-wife use to ask me when we still dated how I could sleep at night and I always told her most of the time I don't. It's becoming that way again, because that nice wall I had up between me and the nightmares crumbled slowly starting with her leaving me. She truly was a saving grace and she knew this, but after telling her about one mission where I was forced to kill two young people, she never looked at me the same.
I have done missions to save lives, rescues that if they had gone any different in any way, I would be dead. So would the hostages most likely, I have secrets I've had to keep for so long that eat away at me that even if I told them to the world, they would never be believed. The truth is stranger than any fiction and so much more horrifying in the extreme. Some of the things I have that sit in the back of my mind and have for years have nearly caused me to kill myself, I have set at times with a pistol in my mouth or under my chin with tears rolling down my cheeks wanting so badly to end it but never able to do so. Some say that only the weak pick suicide, sometimes I have to say that only the truly strong can me so absolute of purpose to be able to end their own life. I am envious so often of those that live in such ignorant bliss, those who don't see the world for what is truly there and they don't truly understand themselves are often so lucky. They don't have those doubts; they don't have to hide what they know or who they truly are.
Me I find myself so alone so often because I know so much about the world, I also know more about myself than so many others could handle about me and that has cost me many relationships. I know exactly what I want and so few understand that, but I also get called a monster for what I am and what I have done. But truly a monster is the one who feels no regret for what they do, or are they the ones that allow evil to happen and stand by and do nothing. Yes there are things I regret doing, there are other things I have done that I wish I had done sooner, things that have saved lives and things that would have saved even more if I had just gone with it. So yes for each action or inaction I have regrets and horrors that terrorize me in my sleep.
I know what it would take to end those, or I could reach out and find a reprieve from them in the form of a loving set of arms the problem is this. I could settle for someone and never truly be myself, live a lie and not know fulfillment all to keep the horror at bay or I can suffer through the hell till I find the right one.............................................
What do I do?
