In my time

I heard it so often when I was young and now I find myself saying it now.  I constantly am reminded of what I use to do and the times I came from, I joke with some of my coworkers that are around the same ages as myself and that's far and few between.  I got to joking with one of the other guys close to my age and we talked about the jobs skills we have that we could use when we get out.  I find myself all still geared toward weapons and ammunition, which some would say is sad and others would find much more focused.

As a whole I wonder though about so much these days, I find myself wanting to watch the world just burn because I am so tired of seeing all the madness and rampant stupidity of the world.  Egypt being a prime example, yes they are right to push a foul man out but at the same time so many artifacts were stole or damaged in the museums. These idiots can't see fit to protect their heritage and value their history.  I just don't get how anyone would want to destroy so much of their history but that's how it is with Islam.  Destroy the history of a culture so it can't go back to its old ways. 

I look back on all my deployments, I look and see what I am now and I wonder if I will ever be able to find the kind of woman that I can trust and depend on to keep the house safe while I am gone.  Can I find someone that won't run off when times get hard and lonely.  Things I don't do even when I have the option to do them because they are wrong.  It's hard to see myself happy like so many others, more so with the lifestyle I'm into.  So often the ladies who share it are more demanding of time and attention to make things work than a normal relationship.  Don't get me wrong though it often produces a relationship that is far more close and binding but none the less it is very hard to get the needed time together because of the work I do so I find myself at odds. 

However I think in the end what I want though is just a good love and to be remembered. 

Let it burn

Let it bun, let the whole damn world burn at this rate. 

I certify for my launcher this week plus all the other silly shit we do come this time of year.  Rocket firing and all just to make sure we know our jobs.  Well here's the problem with that, I just got put into a launcher and I've had no fing training to speak of.  So yeah I'm sorta pissed.  I'm tired of getting passed over and everything else for my promotion so now I'm just gonna drop my packet and slide off to 35L land and see what that does for me.  I can put me devious mind to some good use maybe and have fun at the same time.  Believe me I have a very warped mind at times and it's served me very well in my work.  woohoo.

So let's see how this ride turns out.

What did I do!?!?!?!?

  I'm losing my mind here, it's snowing again and I'm having to take one of the retards from the Battery who fucked up down to his lawyers office.  I get this message a few hours ago and I have to have him at Yangsong first thing tomorrow morning.  It's a hour and a half plus long trip and the roads are not safe for travel.  I'm waiting to see if they are road condation Black tomorrow so I don't have to make this trip.  I would like another day of rest instead of dealing with this stupid crap.

My fun day.

Ok so this is what I was doing today, I was getting a needle shoved into my back, while I was wide awake and the doc didn't seem to care that the pain killers he gave at the start weren't working.  I still feel like I have a railroad spike in my spine.  To make matters even better it was a two hour bus ride back to Camp from the Hospital.   Now what troubled me besides the pain was the odd erections I was getting once in a while because of the pain.  I general only like the feeling of finger nails down the back, some biting and well  yeah we won't get into that. Suffice to say I like my sex fun and rough.  But anyways yes it hurts like hell, no I'm not in a good mood and yes I wanna choke the doc. Hell I had to keep from puking there was so much pain during this and I have a threshold for pain like few others.  But this shit yeah this was a whole other damn beast.

It's been a few days.

So I can't really grip about to much to be honest, just been reflecting on my life mostly for the last few days and the mega shit ton of things I have on my plate.   I was busy getting my battle gear ready for a fight I keep begging to come so we can end the war here in Korea, but I pray it never does because of all the death.  I am firmly at peace with it too knowing I will be one of the first to most likely die because of where I am, should the fighting start again.  I'm completely ok with it and I'm not sure why, other than because I have reflected on my life while I arranged and rearranged my pouches and such so that I know exactly where everything is without having to look.   That's such a critical thing when in the heat of the moment, that you know exactly what's where and you don't have to think about it.  

I was doing all of this while listening to a few different bands and genre of music, some of which surprise people when they look at it, but on my itunes the play list is labeled "My Soundtrack".  You would have to know my life in some pretty ugly detail to understand alot of the songs on here but I'll give a list of them if anyone wants to track them down and have a listen.  Mind you they aren't in exact order of my life but you get the idea behind them.  It'll be song the band. 

1. As the Candle Burns, Trixter
2. Road of a Thousand Dreams, Trixter
3. 45, Shinedown
4. Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)
5. Citizen Soldier, 3 Doors Down
6. Another Rainy Night, Queensryche
7. Wish I had an Angel, Nightwish
8. Bad for Good, Meat Loaf
9. Blind as a Bat, Meat Loaf
10. It Snows in Hell, Lordi
11. Leave out all the Rest, Linkin Park
12. This Fire Burns, Killswitch Engage
13. Unbroken, Killswitch Engage
14. This is Absolution, Killswitch Engage
15. Carry on Wayward Son, Kansas
16. Waste Years, Iron Maiden
17. Blood Brothers, Iron Maiden
18. Stand Alone, Iced Earth
19. Come What May, Iced Earth
20. Feels like a Hammer, Dangerous Toys
21. Roll on 18 Wheeler, Alabama
22. Highway to Hell, AC/DC

If you have questions about the songs and what they mean please feel free to ask.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4hYzgylNUs

Anniversaries

After much thought and time I thought I should put this up as it's been 10 years almost to the day since I was hurt. 

It’s been 10 years now since my life was changed forever, well it goes back 13 years but the 2001 was the turning point truly.  I ran out of rope 20 feet in the air coming out of a Black Hawk and smacked the ground with terrible force.  Now understand please, I was not a light man in those days I weighed in at roughly 250lbs give or take 10lbs without gear and I was also carrying a lot of gear for my work like normal.  Well fate would have her way with me that day, I snapped all of the metatarsal in both feet, broke the right ankle in two places, broke the right heel away from the rest of my foot and shattered both legs, and there were even fractures in the hips and pelvis regions.  To add to the trauma I had also herniated 6 disks in my lower back on impact.  After what made matters worse was the amount of time it took to get me back to where I could receive “proper” health care.  Once back at a treatment area I was informed I had developed a condition in my right leg called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.  Now I’ve asked tons of doctors after I recovered from this exactly what it is, some say it’s a nerve disorder others say it’s not real and it’s only something that people in Physical Therapy use.  But basically what it was is this, my right leg from mid thigh down turned purple, cold to the touch and when I could feel it, most of the time I had to check to see if it was even still there, but when I could feel it.  The pain was amazing!  So not only was I dealing with damage to my bones on an ungodly scale I was dealing with nerve damage as well.  So off to physical therapy I went, this is where the fun really starts.  I am introduced to my Physical Therapist who after introducing himself promptly informs me of “Let’s see if we can make you scream.”  To call this man a Sadist is not sufficient to describe to you how much this man enjoyed making me hurt and watching the pain I was enduring.  Contrast bath therapy is painful, but for someone with hyper sensitive nerves it’s nearly murder.  Now please understand that I did this for one very important and simple reason, they told me that if I didn’t show signs of improvement within 4 months they would amputate my right leg from the mid thigh down.  So yes I was driven to endure the pain and the long days and weeks to come.  I also was driven to never give the bastard the pleasure I seeing me scream and that was another massively important and driving goal of mine, one of which I achieved.

After all the months of therapy and I mean months of therapy, 6 months total in time and those were some brutal months.  I was off to see the Orthopedic Surgeon again, who promptly and without any regret what so ever tells me I am to be discharged because there is nothing else they can do for me, I still have fractured bones that will take years to heal if they ever do heal right at all.  He also informs me that I will never serve in the military ever again, I can forget about running and I’m lucky to be walking at all.  Which I don’t consider the hobble I had to be much of a walk in the first place.  I was hurting so much I couldn’t hardly take a step, however through all of this they not once checked my back for some insane reason. 

Well with discharge papers in hand off I went to try and make due with the new life I had, very much alone, depressed and to be honest suicidal as can be because I had, had a dream taken from me.   So over the course of the next year I bounced from job to job till I got into college, where I met my now ex wife and that is a story for another time.   Suffice to say as the years went on and I healed slowly, she got tired of hearing me bitch and complain about how much I missed the Army and told me to try reenlisting.  Well being the good husband I was, I did just that I talked with a National Guard recruiter that she tried to talk to and reenlist with and he would have nothing to do with her because of her on injury.  So off I went, back through basic training and everything 5 years later.  5 years and I had recovered from an injury they said I would never fully heal from, an injury that would have crippled most people and there I was running around with people 8 years younger than me and leaving them in the dust.  My body had remembered what it was like to be a soldier and how oh how I missed the feelings I had rushing through my body.  That’s also when my injured back came up and bit me in the balls, hard! 

 I made it through though and off I went, I came back home after all my training and my marriage was turning into a living hell, she couldn’t handle me anymore.  I had become the silent type again; all I wanted to do was cuddle and kiss her.  I would try and be affectionate but she couldn’t handle me not talking or showing emotions.   So on and on it went, then I promised myself that if she left me or something happened to her I would return to active duty and sure to my word when she left me I put my papers in to return to active duty.  Three months before I got my orders my divorce was finalized and I finally had my freedom again, no more chain around my neck of a insane wife who couldn’t handle the name she had and she knew I was always like that, even when she found me in college.  So off I went to Bomb Disposal School better known in the military as EOD or Explosive Ordnance Disposal.  That was 2009, so there you go, a snippet into the monster that is me.  

Rat Bastards

  So yeah I'm up and bouncing out the door at 06:15 to take my freezing bum all the way up to the Ammo Holding Area to off load and store 6 rockets we picked up yesterday.  To my amazement who doesn't showup, none other than the rat bastard in charge of the AHA, instead he sends his assistant who's about useless, damn bullet sponge (read infantry).  So yeah I'm pissed off an annoyed, plus freezing on top of it all.  Like toes and fingers freezing, I still manage to get the job done despite about having to basicly teach my driver how to do his end of things aswell while I'm operate the crane at the same time. 

To top it all off, I was suppose to get off early today.  Yeah snowballs have a better chance in hell than me actually getting off early.  Doesn't help that the Platoon Sargeant is a lying sack of shit that found any and all excauses to keep from promoting me.  Yeah I know I know I'm bitching, but this is the only true outlet I have for my frustration instead of some cute lady waiting for me to get home so I can shag her senseless and then start dinner.  I don't even need a beer, I just need a good bj or screwing and a meal, how hard is that?