Lost

 For those who know me, I am not one to let fear control or guide me as I am one who pushes through my fears to lead people beyond their own.  Now though I find myself very depressed and a lone, I spoke with my father Friday night local time and the news he gave me hit like a brick.  Now understand I have watched my father battle cancer twice, he's had two sets of bypass surgery the first was a set of four bypasses and the second was a set of three bypasses, they wanted to do five but the extra two would most certainly have killed him.  He has also had a few strokes.  This is a man I have grown up and seen as my hero my whole life, flawed as he may be, he is human.  He is tough beyond reasoning and yet so kind a gentle as to make one wonder about the history of his life.  Make no mistake though; he's been a warrior like few others and a complete and total hell raiser.  Friday he tells me that he's dropped his weight down to 204lbs; now understand that is very light for him.  He is 6'3" and I have never seen him that small ever.  For those who know me I get my build from my father, the man is a freaking bear of a human being; he looks like he should have been a pro football player up till his first surgery.  So when I hear that he's down to 204lbs my brain goes into a spin of what are these symptoms of.  The first and major one that came to mind is cancer and scares the hell out of me because he only said he was getting back surgery on June 7th and I know that he has had back problems in the past.  I know however that this is different and he doesn't want to tell me because I am so far from home and I can't do anything for him and he doesn't want me worrying and possibly getting myself killed at work. 

So yes I'm panicked in the worse possible way and yet there is nothing I can do, but I fear for his life and I yes while I know that death would end his suffering and I know he is I can see it when I look into his eyes.  Hell you can hear it in his voice.  I remember one email from him and the phone conversation as well that caused the email.  He had forgotten about my birthday and it ate him up so bad, I can forgive the man so easy for forgetting my birthday hell that didn’t bother me as much as what he said, he said it was “hard living such an empty and hollow life” that to me said a books worth and so much more.  He’s ready to die and has been for some time and it hurts so bad.  I still have so much to learn from him, so many great memories of his I wish to know, so many things he could teach me about life and the world even at my age I still can learn from him.  His mission is done, he helped take care of two kids, my sister and I.  I’m not sure how he feels about how she turned out but he still loves her regardless.  I know he is proud of me for serving despite his desire that I not enlist, I made him even prouder when I came back even injured like I was and yet I didn’t shy way.  He has seen his grand children born watched at least one of his children get married all be it a very simple and flawed wedding he got to watch it.  What I don’t think he is aware of is that if he hangs in there long enough he will live long enough to be a great grandfather.

I feel so sorry for anyone that has to deal with me when I get the news of his passing, I will not be one of sensibility and calm.  Already I can feel the pain building and the thought just the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes.  I’m not beyond emotion no matter what my ex wife likes to say that I’m emotionally dead, I am far from it I’m just very controlled. 

Must remember

I must remember to breath, to keep my mind from being clouded by anger and disappointment.  While I am of dominate personality I have however lived my life in service to others, be it as a soldier, a peace keeper or even just looking out for others and being a shoulder to lean on when times get hard.  Gods knows I have been all of those things and so much more and rarely if ever do I ask anything of anyone.  Hell even my soldiers ask me if they can buy lunch for me or something of that nature and I have to tell them no, because that's not what a leader does.  I just spent the last week getting a soldier out processed from the army in a hurry and learning the system used here as I went.  Let me just say that was a nightmare unto it's self. 

Now though, now I just want to be greedy damn it, to see some return for my hard work and in some cases very much so a great deal of misery and agony.  I'm not talking in a figurative sense I mean real and true misery and agony.  Why is it so hard for so many to understand what happens in my world is not easy to deal with, I feel like I must raise a lot of other peoples kids and teach them along the way how to be men.  This should have been done before they enlisted and or even before they left home.  Instead I have to help them work through their own personal issues along with everything else and keep them the hell alive at the same time.  Seriously what the fuck happened to my country, once you had men coming out of high school, now you are lucky to get them coming out of college. 

So for once can I please be greedy, can I actually take the time to be loved, to relax and just left life cruise on by, to take a bit of time for myself.  That's all I want to really and honestly to be loved for me and the hard ass work I put in day after day.  What am I doing wrong or what the hell did I do to deserve this?

Memento Mori!!! (it's latin look it up)