So between the alerts, the rampant stupidity and the weather I have managed to survive yet another week and this time I still managed to stay in good health. Though last weekend would have said other wise when I got so light headed I could barely stand while leaning on a wall, let alone walk; it was more along the lines of falling forward at a walking pace if you will. As for what caused it, who knows and at this point I don't care. It was just that night so I'm doing good, though knowing my record for pushing myself to stupid limits I will probably end up like that again in the near future till I get out of this country.
However while I have had down time and on my days off I have been doing some reflecting and trying to better understand myself and those I care about and why I care about them. Some of them it's just I care about these people and it's just that I care and I don't know why and to be honest it doesn't matter. Others however I have certain reasons why I care about them and most of them are people I took under my wing and have made sure to point them in the right direction, not so much a do what I do but a matter of this is a good idea go for it. I enjoy doing the big brother thing, though I do get tired of raising other peoples kids so there is a major difference in the two.
Look up to the sky, see the moonlit night
The winter night sends shivers up your spine
But it's deep inside your mind that's where you may find
Inner demons and your desire
Don't give up, don't give up
Don't give up, don't you ever give up
Winter Nights by Iced Earth
The above is a great example of when I like to reflect, in the dead of night in winter. This same band does another song about enlightenment that I enjoy as well but I will save that for another time. However one thing I know is that enlightenment can only come from reflection and understanding, however that understanding comes in many forms and ways. I am most familiarly with pain and misery. As these two aspects have been a constant companion for many years and they have taught me so much about my own limits and was to deal with them for others or at least to provide advice to keep someone from getting to were I am. However sometimes we must suffer to learn our own lessons that no one else may teach us from their own experience. I can honestly say though that misery has been less of a companion these last few years as it use to be, more so in these last few weeks. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but I know that I may be facing another deployment here in the next 8 months so the cycle may start again, time will tell.
I have also learned from things like love, oh the things that love has taught me are boundless and the most important in my view. I have also learned the unending limits of what I will do for someone that truly loves me and that I love in return. This is were misery comes in, because I have learned that I am willing and able to kill and if need be die for love and I am completely ok with this fact. Now understand I am tired of the death and misery but I am fully capable of going back to it at the drop of a hat for someone I love, that however is how it should be for any man that is in love and more so if he is married and or has children. Love should be able to drive you to do superhuman acts.
However it all comes down to some major issues for me, I know what my desires are and I know what my inner demons and they are both brutal to deal with. My inner demons have been so up front lately, I have woken up every day for the last week with my bed totally destroyed and or soaked from cold sweats. Yeah the PTSD is coming back in a hardcore way and I think a good deal of it is the undue stress of dealing with this new idiot in charge of the Platoon. Hopefully that will end before I leave, I don't need to be a total wreck when I get back to home and my family sees me in this wrecked state that I'm in.
For now I will close this with this like I do most things.
Memento Mori
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGbEDkurm7w
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