Let it burn

Let it bun, let the whole damn world burn at this rate. 

I certify for my launcher this week plus all the other silly shit we do come this time of year.  Rocket firing and all just to make sure we know our jobs.  Well here's the problem with that, I just got put into a launcher and I've had no fing training to speak of.  So yeah I'm sorta pissed.  I'm tired of getting passed over and everything else for my promotion so now I'm just gonna drop my packet and slide off to 35L land and see what that does for me.  I can put me devious mind to some good use maybe and have fun at the same time.  Believe me I have a very warped mind at times and it's served me very well in my work.  woohoo.

So let's see how this ride turns out.

What did I do!?!?!?!?

  I'm losing my mind here, it's snowing again and I'm having to take one of the retards from the Battery who fucked up down to his lawyers office.  I get this message a few hours ago and I have to have him at Yangsong first thing tomorrow morning.  It's a hour and a half plus long trip and the roads are not safe for travel.  I'm waiting to see if they are road condation Black tomorrow so I don't have to make this trip.  I would like another day of rest instead of dealing with this stupid crap.

My fun day.

Ok so this is what I was doing today, I was getting a needle shoved into my back, while I was wide awake and the doc didn't seem to care that the pain killers he gave at the start weren't working.  I still feel like I have a railroad spike in my spine.  To make matters even better it was a two hour bus ride back to Camp from the Hospital.   Now what troubled me besides the pain was the odd erections I was getting once in a while because of the pain.  I general only like the feeling of finger nails down the back, some biting and well  yeah we won't get into that. Suffice to say I like my sex fun and rough.  But anyways yes it hurts like hell, no I'm not in a good mood and yes I wanna choke the doc. Hell I had to keep from puking there was so much pain during this and I have a threshold for pain like few others.  But this shit yeah this was a whole other damn beast.

It's been a few days.

So I can't really grip about to much to be honest, just been reflecting on my life mostly for the last few days and the mega shit ton of things I have on my plate.   I was busy getting my battle gear ready for a fight I keep begging to come so we can end the war here in Korea, but I pray it never does because of all the death.  I am firmly at peace with it too knowing I will be one of the first to most likely die because of where I am, should the fighting start again.  I'm completely ok with it and I'm not sure why, other than because I have reflected on my life while I arranged and rearranged my pouches and such so that I know exactly where everything is without having to look.   That's such a critical thing when in the heat of the moment, that you know exactly what's where and you don't have to think about it.  

I was doing all of this while listening to a few different bands and genre of music, some of which surprise people when they look at it, but on my itunes the play list is labeled "My Soundtrack".  You would have to know my life in some pretty ugly detail to understand alot of the songs on here but I'll give a list of them if anyone wants to track them down and have a listen.  Mind you they aren't in exact order of my life but you get the idea behind them.  It'll be song the band. 

1. As the Candle Burns, Trixter
2. Road of a Thousand Dreams, Trixter
3. 45, Shinedown
4. Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)
5. Citizen Soldier, 3 Doors Down
6. Another Rainy Night, Queensryche
7. Wish I had an Angel, Nightwish
8. Bad for Good, Meat Loaf
9. Blind as a Bat, Meat Loaf
10. It Snows in Hell, Lordi
11. Leave out all the Rest, Linkin Park
12. This Fire Burns, Killswitch Engage
13. Unbroken, Killswitch Engage
14. This is Absolution, Killswitch Engage
15. Carry on Wayward Son, Kansas
16. Waste Years, Iron Maiden
17. Blood Brothers, Iron Maiden
18. Stand Alone, Iced Earth
19. Come What May, Iced Earth
20. Feels like a Hammer, Dangerous Toys
21. Roll on 18 Wheeler, Alabama
22. Highway to Hell, AC/DC

If you have questions about the songs and what they mean please feel free to ask.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4hYzgylNUs

Anniversaries

After much thought and time I thought I should put this up as it's been 10 years almost to the day since I was hurt. 

It’s been 10 years now since my life was changed forever, well it goes back 13 years but the 2001 was the turning point truly.  I ran out of rope 20 feet in the air coming out of a Black Hawk and smacked the ground with terrible force.  Now understand please, I was not a light man in those days I weighed in at roughly 250lbs give or take 10lbs without gear and I was also carrying a lot of gear for my work like normal.  Well fate would have her way with me that day, I snapped all of the metatarsal in both feet, broke the right ankle in two places, broke the right heel away from the rest of my foot and shattered both legs, and there were even fractures in the hips and pelvis regions.  To add to the trauma I had also herniated 6 disks in my lower back on impact.  After what made matters worse was the amount of time it took to get me back to where I could receive “proper” health care.  Once back at a treatment area I was informed I had developed a condition in my right leg called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.  Now I’ve asked tons of doctors after I recovered from this exactly what it is, some say it’s a nerve disorder others say it’s not real and it’s only something that people in Physical Therapy use.  But basically what it was is this, my right leg from mid thigh down turned purple, cold to the touch and when I could feel it, most of the time I had to check to see if it was even still there, but when I could feel it.  The pain was amazing!  So not only was I dealing with damage to my bones on an ungodly scale I was dealing with nerve damage as well.  So off to physical therapy I went, this is where the fun really starts.  I am introduced to my Physical Therapist who after introducing himself promptly informs me of “Let’s see if we can make you scream.”  To call this man a Sadist is not sufficient to describe to you how much this man enjoyed making me hurt and watching the pain I was enduring.  Contrast bath therapy is painful, but for someone with hyper sensitive nerves it’s nearly murder.  Now please understand that I did this for one very important and simple reason, they told me that if I didn’t show signs of improvement within 4 months they would amputate my right leg from the mid thigh down.  So yes I was driven to endure the pain and the long days and weeks to come.  I also was driven to never give the bastard the pleasure I seeing me scream and that was another massively important and driving goal of mine, one of which I achieved.

After all the months of therapy and I mean months of therapy, 6 months total in time and those were some brutal months.  I was off to see the Orthopedic Surgeon again, who promptly and without any regret what so ever tells me I am to be discharged because there is nothing else they can do for me, I still have fractured bones that will take years to heal if they ever do heal right at all.  He also informs me that I will never serve in the military ever again, I can forget about running and I’m lucky to be walking at all.  Which I don’t consider the hobble I had to be much of a walk in the first place.  I was hurting so much I couldn’t hardly take a step, however through all of this they not once checked my back for some insane reason. 

Well with discharge papers in hand off I went to try and make due with the new life I had, very much alone, depressed and to be honest suicidal as can be because I had, had a dream taken from me.   So over the course of the next year I bounced from job to job till I got into college, where I met my now ex wife and that is a story for another time.   Suffice to say as the years went on and I healed slowly, she got tired of hearing me bitch and complain about how much I missed the Army and told me to try reenlisting.  Well being the good husband I was, I did just that I talked with a National Guard recruiter that she tried to talk to and reenlist with and he would have nothing to do with her because of her on injury.  So off I went, back through basic training and everything 5 years later.  5 years and I had recovered from an injury they said I would never fully heal from, an injury that would have crippled most people and there I was running around with people 8 years younger than me and leaving them in the dust.  My body had remembered what it was like to be a soldier and how oh how I missed the feelings I had rushing through my body.  That’s also when my injured back came up and bit me in the balls, hard! 

 I made it through though and off I went, I came back home after all my training and my marriage was turning into a living hell, she couldn’t handle me anymore.  I had become the silent type again; all I wanted to do was cuddle and kiss her.  I would try and be affectionate but she couldn’t handle me not talking or showing emotions.   So on and on it went, then I promised myself that if she left me or something happened to her I would return to active duty and sure to my word when she left me I put my papers in to return to active duty.  Three months before I got my orders my divorce was finalized and I finally had my freedom again, no more chain around my neck of a insane wife who couldn’t handle the name she had and she knew I was always like that, even when she found me in college.  So off I went to Bomb Disposal School better known in the military as EOD or Explosive Ordnance Disposal.  That was 2009, so there you go, a snippet into the monster that is me.  

Rat Bastards

  So yeah I'm up and bouncing out the door at 06:15 to take my freezing bum all the way up to the Ammo Holding Area to off load and store 6 rockets we picked up yesterday.  To my amazement who doesn't showup, none other than the rat bastard in charge of the AHA, instead he sends his assistant who's about useless, damn bullet sponge (read infantry).  So yeah I'm pissed off an annoyed, plus freezing on top of it all.  Like toes and fingers freezing, I still manage to get the job done despite about having to basicly teach my driver how to do his end of things aswell while I'm operate the crane at the same time. 

To top it all off, I was suppose to get off early today.  Yeah snowballs have a better chance in hell than me actually getting off early.  Doesn't help that the Platoon Sargeant is a lying sack of shit that found any and all excauses to keep from promoting me.  Yeah I know I know I'm bitching, but this is the only true outlet I have for my frustration instead of some cute lady waiting for me to get home so I can shag her senseless and then start dinner.  I don't even need a beer, I just need a good bj or screwing and a meal, how hard is that?

O'dark stupid!

So it's O'dark stupid back in the States and I'm bored out of my mind here in South Korea.  I'm not exactly looking forward to the cold in the morning, not in the least bit.  Also apparently at some point today, two of the three idiots I had pulled Guard duty on violated their "No Contact" order, so should be fun to see what's going to happen to them and well the soldier who's room it all took place in since he was aware of the order and helped them violate it.   I just don't get it, why can't  people just follow very simple orders?!?!?!  Better question would be, what makes these idiots think that they will get away with helping the other idiots violate those orders.  Somehow it just doesn't add up, I mean I know the term "Common Sense" is a misnomer but really people come on. 

I go back to my belief that stupidity should be painful, I know it's cruel and rather jaded but come on.  Think about how rarely people would do stupid crap if they have a flash back to some very very painful memories for the stupid crap they did in the past.  They aren't likely to repeat that action.  I mean after all Singapore has the right idea about public caning oh man do they ever have the right idea.   Make it hurt and publicly humiliate the idiot in one swoop.   Yes I know people will say well if you had it done to you, you wouldn't agree with it.  First off I'm not gonna be up there because I know how to obey the law, second I know how to follow orders and most important of all.  I like to think things through before I do them, ok not everything as proof shows by burning hell out of my eye like that, but I go back to my statement from before.  STUPIDTY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!!!!   I was stupid, I didn't read the instructions on the box and I paid for it.   Don't get me wrong I will consul someone I care about if they get hurt because of their own actions, I'm not a monster, I do have a heart.  All be it one fairly coated in ice but that's what happens when you get hurt all to often. 

  But I have no problems also taking care of those who because of something simple they got hurt, that's honestly just not right.  We can't foresee the future and predict what will come our way and I refuse to let my broken heart win out and make me heartless and bitter to the core.   There is to much beauty out there and way to much fun to be had to live like that, plus damn it I would like to find a good woman.  I know we all have flaws and I expect her to have the same, biggest problem I run into is a woman that can handle me for me.  That has been one hell of a hassle, I always get chewed out for being the type that's happy to cuddle and very sexual in nature.  Can't help it, if I'm with a woman I like she's gonna know it.  Be it neck, back, shoulder and foot massages because it's nice to give them, it shows I care and well I like keeping my hands busy.  It also gives me time to talk to my woman and find out how her day has been.  Now don't mistake this for me liking to be stepped on or hell me being submissive for that matter, this is me showing I care.  I'm a very dominate personality, just who I am can't help it.  But you can be of a certain mindset and still be giving and loving, it's what makes the human dynamic so amazing. 

So for those reading please give me some input, if need be email me or something. 

Warning!!!

Yeah warning should be writen in huge letters on the side of some contact lense cleaning boxes.  Holy crap!!!!

So I tossed my lenses in my basic contact case last night to clean them while I slept.  I put the first one in and went right to my knees in agonizing pain.  For those who know me, they will often tell you I'm a fairly tough person who can take lots of pain.  But this hurt something horrible, my eye is still recovering from the burns.  Pyroxide is not your friend when it comes to the human eye, oh man does that hurt.  I do think I have found a new torture method to use on the enemy should I ever have to use it.  Still won't do a contrast bath to anyone, four long miserable months of that for two hours a day.  Never again will I suffer that kind of pain, I thought having my heart broken sucked.  Man oh man the pain you can suffer through though is amazing.  Hell some of it even gets to feel good, which I can understand why there are "pain sluts" out there, but damn some of the pain those people enjoy wow. 

Anyscrew I think I'll leave it at that for now. Oh on another note of good news the Prisoner Guard detail ended last night wooohooo. 

"Return unto the Chapter it's due."

To think I missed this place!

Yeah so I get in at O'dark stupid this morning, that's basicly anytime between 00:01 or 12am to 06:00 or 6am for you civie folks.  Anyways as I'm getting out of the cab out comes the 1st Sgt and my Platoon Sgt all kinds of happy to see me.  As soon as they see me the 1st Sgt looks to the Platoon Sgt and says "Oh he's here, well there you go, that's your guy in charge of the platoon tomorrow."  All I can think of at 01:00 is, great what pile of shit did I just land in and why?   So I'm told to be at the 06:30 pt formation like normal, yes I was awake at 05:45 like normal to get ready and I was expecting to lead the platoon all day.  Surprise and amaze the Platoon Sgt shows up and takes over, hey good less hassle for me after just getting back.  I haven't even unpacked my bags yet.  I get the wonderful news that it's gonna be a four day weekend aswell, (awesome I only work one day this week) yeah that got crapped on after the 2 mile run this morning.  Apparently last night three soldiers got locked up and I get to play babysitter for them for 12hrs a day everyday till they are pickedup and moved to a new location for trial, no weekend off like I was hoping because believe me I needed it when I saw all the snow on the ground and the balls in the throat cold I was greeted by when I got back in the country.

Yes folks I'm in a crappy mood and through all of the fun I had on Leave I actually managed to so how miss being in this gods forsaken country and all I can bring myself to admit to is this.  I miss my soldiers.  Pretty damn sad but for the young soldiers in my platoon I feel like a big brother to alot of them and do my damnedest to train and protect them. 

"And he who bleeds with me, shall be my brother!"

Outbound

  So it's that time again, none too happy about it either.   So I'm packing again this time to return to South Korea, I hate that place I really do.  I wanted Iraq or Afgainastain or something where I could actually do my job.  Danger and fear be damned, but instead of that I'm playing the waiting game and going stir crazy in the mean time.  I envy the guys that have someone waiting for them or that can just go out and be man whores and not have any feelings about it.  My morals still get in the way of doing that, so does my honor.  Don't get me wrong; when I actually can find something worth having I hold on to it dearly and tightly, like I might drown if I let go.  I think alot of that comes from the fact that I have been denied a lot in life or have lost a lot. 

Regardless of it all, the few friendships and I mean true friendships and they know who they are.  I would gladly die for those people, I value them so much because of what they have taught me and the purpose they give me.  I've been told I'm foolish and silly for living a life like I do, constantly seeking purpose and reason.  But tis better to live for reason and purpose than to die never having known the satisfaction of completing something great and leaving a mark on the world or a person that could save it.  Butterfly effect also known as Chaos effect is such a beautiful thing.