Long time

  So here I am writing again, it's been a long while and I've been inactive here but in the world, well in the world I've been busy.  I'm back in America finally and happy, I have a beautiful relationship with a beautiful and amazing woman, the much needed kind of relationship at that so life is good.  Not much to really say,  working on getting PRK surgery for my eyes and from what I understand that's painful.  Oh well no worse than the deployment I'm slated for next year sometime.  So yeah staying busy and trying hard to stay upbeat.

Hair and a nick.

  So I'm getting my hair cut at the new place right outside gate one.  Well I've gone through the trim down part and all, time to do the clean up and since it's so hot out I asked the lady to shave the sides and back of my head.   Which feels wonderful let me tell you, so while she's about her work; she accidentally nicks me.  Well it's on one of those really good spots that bleeds like hell for no real reason other than it's close to the bone.  So this poor lady is trying to get the bleeding to stop and I'm half asleep through it all.  I finally start waking up when the other ladies in the shop start coming around and looking and trying to help.  I ask my buddy who is in a chair behind all of this watching a video to take a look and tell me what's going on.  "It's only a nick."  One of the ladies looks back at him with a wide eyed worried look.  Me I'm laying in the chair chuckling to my self while they are freaking out.  I tell the one lady to get the super glue and just glue it shut.  Her eyes looked like they were going to pop out on springs when I told her that, she said the only glue they have is for finger nails so I told her to get that and put it on.  Would have worked faster and better if they would have just wiped the blood away real fast then put a large dose on there.  Yeah so after a few drops they break out the Quick Clot, now that I felt!

So once it's all said and done I'm walk away with a free hair cut and shave, a very apologetic lady who wishes for me to come back so she can make this all up to me and do a better job next time.  I kinda had fun with all of that.  Made up for the massive pain I've been in all day from my ankle to my sore neck from being choked out 4 different times and or having my neck wrenched in a way that if I have let it go much longer would have broken it.   So all in all not a bad day, not great but not bad.  Oh then there is my very wonderful friend who has been keeping me company the best she can every day given the time differences and honestly they work for us.  She presented me with an amazing image for me to put on my shield and Surcoat when I get home.  It's freaking amazing.  I know who I'm going to for regular art work now, might even have her design three tattoo's for me should I ever decide to get one or three as the case may well be.

Humanity

  I have been given the pleasure of talking with a wonderful friend and it is so nice to be able to open up and not have it used against me.  I look forward to our daily talks and the normal jokes and silly humor that goes into it and it makes me feel normal again, something I haven't had in so long.  It is nice to once again just be a man, without the pressures of my job weighting down on me or the need to impress in order to get things done for my soldiers or for myself.  It's so nice to let the ice melt away and get to be human, to actually be allowed to feel things without reservations.     I wish people could understand how wonderful that sensation is to feel again, when you don't live with it for so long you forget how great it is to feel.   To be able to just reach out and be peaceful and human.

So thank you my friend, glad I got to prove you wrong about the kind of person I actually am.

Another hot day down!

So let’s set the stage for today, I wake up still rattled from the nights thunder and lightning, this morning was the Division run and well since my left ankle is a wreck right now I spent my time putting my body through as much muscle failure as I could manage.   Now with that being said, I had work to still do for the day and came back to the battery to get cleaned, eat breakfast and changed.  Off to work I went, so the day progressed just fine.  Hot and sunny a rather nice day, so after lunch the Lt has me  and one of the other joes take a HMMWVE over to the paint shop, so we got that ready to roll.  Well on the way there, I got to enjoy old times of running around with no top or doors on the truck.  Just a seatbelt and my helmet for safety and it felt amazing.  

Later in the day however one of the new privates made it a point to back talk and just flat out displays a total lack of discipline and training.   It took some time and doing but he is finally starting to understand after a few long ass chewing’s that he needs to keep his mouth under control.  I will protect and look after any of my soldiers when they act like soldiers and deserve to be treated as such instead of children I have to babysit.  But it let me know exactly what I am dealing with, after a while he finally realized what I was talking about.  A few hours later he finally shook my hand and made it clear that he understood why I am doing what I am doing and understood why I chewed him out.  So that has been brought to a rest for now but I see more and more every day that I am on a very long road and I choose this road.  Like the song asks, when will it rain?  I could use the relief of the cool breeze and water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U0fRwAbrHI

Another week down

So between the alerts, the rampant stupidity and the weather I have managed to survive yet another week and this time I still managed to stay in good health.  Though last weekend would have said other wise when I got so light headed I could barely stand while leaning on a wall, let alone walk; it was more along the lines of falling forward at a walking pace if you will.  As for what caused it, who knows and at this point I don't care.  It was just that night so I'm doing good, though knowing my record for pushing myself to stupid limits I will probably end up like that again in the near future till I get out of this country.


However while I have had down time and on my days off I have been doing some reflecting and trying to better understand myself and those I care about and why I care about them.  Some of them it's just I care about these people and it's just that I care and I don't know why and to be honest it doesn't matter.  Others however I have certain reasons why I care about them and most of them are people I took under my wing and have made sure to point them in the right direction, not so much a do what I do but a matter of this is a good idea go for it.  I enjoy doing the big brother thing, though I do get tired of raising other peoples kids so there is a major difference in the two.

Look up to the sky, see the moonlit night
The winter night sends shivers up your spine
But it's deep inside your mind that's where you may find
Inner demons and your desire
Don't give up, don't give up
Don't give up, don't you ever give up


   Winter Nights by Iced Earth


The above is a great example of when I like to reflect, in the dead of night in winter.  This same band does another song about enlightenment that I enjoy as well but I will save that for another time.  However one thing I know is that enlightenment can only come from reflection and understanding, however that understanding comes in many forms and ways.  I am most familiarly with pain and misery.  As these two aspects have been a constant companion for many years and they have taught me so much about my own limits and was to deal with them for others or at least to provide advice to keep someone from getting to were I am.  However sometimes we must suffer to learn our own lessons that no one else may teach us from their own experience.   I can honestly say though that misery has been less of a companion these last few years as it use to be, more so in these last few weeks.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but I know that I may be facing another deployment here in the next 8 months so the cycle may start again, time will tell.  


I have also learned from things like love, oh the things that love has taught me are boundless and the most important in my view.  I have also learned the unending limits of what I will do for someone that truly loves me and that I love in return.  This is were misery comes in, because I have learned that I am willing and able to kill and if need be die for love and I am completely ok with this fact.  Now understand I am tired of the death and misery but I am fully capable of going back to it at the drop of a hat for someone I love, that however is how it should be for any man that is in love and more so if he is married and or has children.  Love should be able to drive you to do superhuman acts.  


However it all comes down to some major issues for me, I know what my desires are and I know what my inner demons and they are both brutal to deal with.  My inner demons have been so up front lately, I have woken up every day for the last week with my bed totally destroyed and or soaked from cold sweats.  Yeah the PTSD is coming back in a hardcore way and I think a good deal of it is the undue stress of dealing with this new idiot in charge of the Platoon.  Hopefully that will end before I leave, I don't need to be a total wreck when I get back to home and my family sees me in this wrecked state that I'm in.  


For now I will close this with this like I do most things.


Memento Mori 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGbEDkurm7w

Lost

 For those who know me, I am not one to let fear control or guide me as I am one who pushes through my fears to lead people beyond their own.  Now though I find myself very depressed and a lone, I spoke with my father Friday night local time and the news he gave me hit like a brick.  Now understand I have watched my father battle cancer twice, he's had two sets of bypass surgery the first was a set of four bypasses and the second was a set of three bypasses, they wanted to do five but the extra two would most certainly have killed him.  He has also had a few strokes.  This is a man I have grown up and seen as my hero my whole life, flawed as he may be, he is human.  He is tough beyond reasoning and yet so kind a gentle as to make one wonder about the history of his life.  Make no mistake though; he's been a warrior like few others and a complete and total hell raiser.  Friday he tells me that he's dropped his weight down to 204lbs; now understand that is very light for him.  He is 6'3" and I have never seen him that small ever.  For those who know me I get my build from my father, the man is a freaking bear of a human being; he looks like he should have been a pro football player up till his first surgery.  So when I hear that he's down to 204lbs my brain goes into a spin of what are these symptoms of.  The first and major one that came to mind is cancer and scares the hell out of me because he only said he was getting back surgery on June 7th and I know that he has had back problems in the past.  I know however that this is different and he doesn't want to tell me because I am so far from home and I can't do anything for him and he doesn't want me worrying and possibly getting myself killed at work. 

So yes I'm panicked in the worse possible way and yet there is nothing I can do, but I fear for his life and I yes while I know that death would end his suffering and I know he is I can see it when I look into his eyes.  Hell you can hear it in his voice.  I remember one email from him and the phone conversation as well that caused the email.  He had forgotten about my birthday and it ate him up so bad, I can forgive the man so easy for forgetting my birthday hell that didn’t bother me as much as what he said, he said it was “hard living such an empty and hollow life” that to me said a books worth and so much more.  He’s ready to die and has been for some time and it hurts so bad.  I still have so much to learn from him, so many great memories of his I wish to know, so many things he could teach me about life and the world even at my age I still can learn from him.  His mission is done, he helped take care of two kids, my sister and I.  I’m not sure how he feels about how she turned out but he still loves her regardless.  I know he is proud of me for serving despite his desire that I not enlist, I made him even prouder when I came back even injured like I was and yet I didn’t shy way.  He has seen his grand children born watched at least one of his children get married all be it a very simple and flawed wedding he got to watch it.  What I don’t think he is aware of is that if he hangs in there long enough he will live long enough to be a great grandfather.

I feel so sorry for anyone that has to deal with me when I get the news of his passing, I will not be one of sensibility and calm.  Already I can feel the pain building and the thought just the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes.  I’m not beyond emotion no matter what my ex wife likes to say that I’m emotionally dead, I am far from it I’m just very controlled. 

Must remember

I must remember to breath, to keep my mind from being clouded by anger and disappointment.  While I am of dominate personality I have however lived my life in service to others, be it as a soldier, a peace keeper or even just looking out for others and being a shoulder to lean on when times get hard.  Gods knows I have been all of those things and so much more and rarely if ever do I ask anything of anyone.  Hell even my soldiers ask me if they can buy lunch for me or something of that nature and I have to tell them no, because that's not what a leader does.  I just spent the last week getting a soldier out processed from the army in a hurry and learning the system used here as I went.  Let me just say that was a nightmare unto it's self. 

Now though, now I just want to be greedy damn it, to see some return for my hard work and in some cases very much so a great deal of misery and agony.  I'm not talking in a figurative sense I mean real and true misery and agony.  Why is it so hard for so many to understand what happens in my world is not easy to deal with, I feel like I must raise a lot of other peoples kids and teach them along the way how to be men.  This should have been done before they enlisted and or even before they left home.  Instead I have to help them work through their own personal issues along with everything else and keep them the hell alive at the same time.  Seriously what the fuck happened to my country, once you had men coming out of high school, now you are lucky to get them coming out of college. 

So for once can I please be greedy, can I actually take the time to be loved, to relax and just left life cruise on by, to take a bit of time for myself.  That's all I want to really and honestly to be loved for me and the hard ass work I put in day after day.  What am I doing wrong or what the hell did I do to deserve this?

Memento Mori!!! (it's latin look it up)

A vent

Warning explicit content. 

I am so fucking tired of people bitching about how bad their jobs suck, how bad they have it.  Hey assholes wakeup at least you have a fucking job and you get to see your family as well.  Granted yes I have a job, I however only have the family I have made for myself basically.  But there are those poor souls who are scraping as much as they can to feed their wives and kids because their employer was a fucktard or because the government screwed them over.  These poor people in Wisconsin are getting a raw deal from an inept Governor that has no fucking clue how to run a state let alone budget money because chances are the fuckstick came from money and never had to worry about it because daddy was keeping tabs on it for him. 
It's shit like this that pisses me off to no fucking ends.

Then you have the bullshit over here, I hate this fucking country.  Yes granted one soldier fucked up horribly a few weeks ago and they now act like all Americans are the same way, yet in the states we don't see a Korean as all asians despite them almost all having the same damn mindset. That they are better than everyone else, sorry assholes but before you look down on me, better check the situation you find yourself in.  I'm in your fucking country protecting your sorry asses from being invaded and or out right killed by North Korea and or China.  I am the wielder of one very big ass stick, one that military wide across all branches and in many of our allied nations that get's called the Grid Square Killer.  With the flip of a few switches and the push of a few bottoms I can kill thousands of men and destroy millions of dollars worth of gear, weapons, trucks and buildings.  Yet I don't want to kill anyone anymore, I'm tired of the killing. 

My ex-wife use to ask me when we still dated how I could sleep at night and I always told her most of the time I don't.  It's becoming that way again, because that nice wall I had up between me and the nightmares crumbled slowly starting with her leaving me.  She truly was a saving grace and she knew this, but after telling her about one mission where I was forced to kill two young people, she never looked at me the same.

I have done missions to save lives, rescues that if they had gone any different in any way, I would be dead.  So would the hostages most likely, I have secrets I've had to keep for so long that eat away at me that even if I told them to the world, they would never be believed.  The truth is stranger than any fiction and so much more horrifying in the extreme.  Some of the things I have that sit in the back of my mind and have for years have nearly caused me to kill myself, I have set at times with a pistol in my mouth or under my chin with tears rolling down my cheeks wanting so badly to end it but never able to do so.  Some say that only the weak pick suicide, sometimes I have to say that only the truly strong can me so absolute of purpose to be able to end their own life.  I am envious so often of those that live in such ignorant bliss, those who don't see the world for what is truly there and they don't truly understand themselves are often so lucky.   They don't have those doubts; they don't have to hide what they know or who they truly are.

Me I find myself so alone so often because I know so much about the world, I also know more about myself than so many others could handle about me and that has cost me many relationships.  I know exactly what I want and so few understand that, but I also get called a monster for what I am and what I have done.  But truly a monster is the one who feels no regret for what they do, or are they the ones that allow evil to happen and stand by and do nothing.  Yes there are things I regret doing, there are other things I have done that I wish I had done sooner, things that have saved lives and things that would have saved even more if I had just gone with it.  So yes for each action or inaction I have regrets and horrors that terrorize me in my sleep. 

I know what it would take to end those, or I could reach out and find a reprieve from them in the form of a loving set of arms the problem is this.  I could settle for someone and never truly be myself, live a lie and not know fulfillment all to keep the horror at bay or I can suffer through the hell till I find the right one.............................................

What do I do?

In my time

I heard it so often when I was young and now I find myself saying it now.  I constantly am reminded of what I use to do and the times I came from, I joke with some of my coworkers that are around the same ages as myself and that's far and few between.  I got to joking with one of the other guys close to my age and we talked about the jobs skills we have that we could use when we get out.  I find myself all still geared toward weapons and ammunition, which some would say is sad and others would find much more focused.

As a whole I wonder though about so much these days, I find myself wanting to watch the world just burn because I am so tired of seeing all the madness and rampant stupidity of the world.  Egypt being a prime example, yes they are right to push a foul man out but at the same time so many artifacts were stole or damaged in the museums. These idiots can't see fit to protect their heritage and value their history.  I just don't get how anyone would want to destroy so much of their history but that's how it is with Islam.  Destroy the history of a culture so it can't go back to its old ways. 

I look back on all my deployments, I look and see what I am now and I wonder if I will ever be able to find the kind of woman that I can trust and depend on to keep the house safe while I am gone.  Can I find someone that won't run off when times get hard and lonely.  Things I don't do even when I have the option to do them because they are wrong.  It's hard to see myself happy like so many others, more so with the lifestyle I'm into.  So often the ladies who share it are more demanding of time and attention to make things work than a normal relationship.  Don't get me wrong though it often produces a relationship that is far more close and binding but none the less it is very hard to get the needed time together because of the work I do so I find myself at odds. 

However I think in the end what I want though is just a good love and to be remembered. 

Let it burn

Let it bun, let the whole damn world burn at this rate. 

I certify for my launcher this week plus all the other silly shit we do come this time of year.  Rocket firing and all just to make sure we know our jobs.  Well here's the problem with that, I just got put into a launcher and I've had no fing training to speak of.  So yeah I'm sorta pissed.  I'm tired of getting passed over and everything else for my promotion so now I'm just gonna drop my packet and slide off to 35L land and see what that does for me.  I can put me devious mind to some good use maybe and have fun at the same time.  Believe me I have a very warped mind at times and it's served me very well in my work.  woohoo.

So let's see how this ride turns out.

What did I do!?!?!?!?

  I'm losing my mind here, it's snowing again and I'm having to take one of the retards from the Battery who fucked up down to his lawyers office.  I get this message a few hours ago and I have to have him at Yangsong first thing tomorrow morning.  It's a hour and a half plus long trip and the roads are not safe for travel.  I'm waiting to see if they are road condation Black tomorrow so I don't have to make this trip.  I would like another day of rest instead of dealing with this stupid crap.

My fun day.

Ok so this is what I was doing today, I was getting a needle shoved into my back, while I was wide awake and the doc didn't seem to care that the pain killers he gave at the start weren't working.  I still feel like I have a railroad spike in my spine.  To make matters even better it was a two hour bus ride back to Camp from the Hospital.   Now what troubled me besides the pain was the odd erections I was getting once in a while because of the pain.  I general only like the feeling of finger nails down the back, some biting and well  yeah we won't get into that. Suffice to say I like my sex fun and rough.  But anyways yes it hurts like hell, no I'm not in a good mood and yes I wanna choke the doc. Hell I had to keep from puking there was so much pain during this and I have a threshold for pain like few others.  But this shit yeah this was a whole other damn beast.

It's been a few days.

So I can't really grip about to much to be honest, just been reflecting on my life mostly for the last few days and the mega shit ton of things I have on my plate.   I was busy getting my battle gear ready for a fight I keep begging to come so we can end the war here in Korea, but I pray it never does because of all the death.  I am firmly at peace with it too knowing I will be one of the first to most likely die because of where I am, should the fighting start again.  I'm completely ok with it and I'm not sure why, other than because I have reflected on my life while I arranged and rearranged my pouches and such so that I know exactly where everything is without having to look.   That's such a critical thing when in the heat of the moment, that you know exactly what's where and you don't have to think about it.  

I was doing all of this while listening to a few different bands and genre of music, some of which surprise people when they look at it, but on my itunes the play list is labeled "My Soundtrack".  You would have to know my life in some pretty ugly detail to understand alot of the songs on here but I'll give a list of them if anyone wants to track them down and have a listen.  Mind you they aren't in exact order of my life but you get the idea behind them.  It'll be song the band. 

1. As the Candle Burns, Trixter
2. Road of a Thousand Dreams, Trixter
3. 45, Shinedown
4. Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)
5. Citizen Soldier, 3 Doors Down
6. Another Rainy Night, Queensryche
7. Wish I had an Angel, Nightwish
8. Bad for Good, Meat Loaf
9. Blind as a Bat, Meat Loaf
10. It Snows in Hell, Lordi
11. Leave out all the Rest, Linkin Park
12. This Fire Burns, Killswitch Engage
13. Unbroken, Killswitch Engage
14. This is Absolution, Killswitch Engage
15. Carry on Wayward Son, Kansas
16. Waste Years, Iron Maiden
17. Blood Brothers, Iron Maiden
18. Stand Alone, Iced Earth
19. Come What May, Iced Earth
20. Feels like a Hammer, Dangerous Toys
21. Roll on 18 Wheeler, Alabama
22. Highway to Hell, AC/DC

If you have questions about the songs and what they mean please feel free to ask.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4hYzgylNUs

Anniversaries

After much thought and time I thought I should put this up as it's been 10 years almost to the day since I was hurt. 

It’s been 10 years now since my life was changed forever, well it goes back 13 years but the 2001 was the turning point truly.  I ran out of rope 20 feet in the air coming out of a Black Hawk and smacked the ground with terrible force.  Now understand please, I was not a light man in those days I weighed in at roughly 250lbs give or take 10lbs without gear and I was also carrying a lot of gear for my work like normal.  Well fate would have her way with me that day, I snapped all of the metatarsal in both feet, broke the right ankle in two places, broke the right heel away from the rest of my foot and shattered both legs, and there were even fractures in the hips and pelvis regions.  To add to the trauma I had also herniated 6 disks in my lower back on impact.  After what made matters worse was the amount of time it took to get me back to where I could receive “proper” health care.  Once back at a treatment area I was informed I had developed a condition in my right leg called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.  Now I’ve asked tons of doctors after I recovered from this exactly what it is, some say it’s a nerve disorder others say it’s not real and it’s only something that people in Physical Therapy use.  But basically what it was is this, my right leg from mid thigh down turned purple, cold to the touch and when I could feel it, most of the time I had to check to see if it was even still there, but when I could feel it.  The pain was amazing!  So not only was I dealing with damage to my bones on an ungodly scale I was dealing with nerve damage as well.  So off to physical therapy I went, this is where the fun really starts.  I am introduced to my Physical Therapist who after introducing himself promptly informs me of “Let’s see if we can make you scream.”  To call this man a Sadist is not sufficient to describe to you how much this man enjoyed making me hurt and watching the pain I was enduring.  Contrast bath therapy is painful, but for someone with hyper sensitive nerves it’s nearly murder.  Now please understand that I did this for one very important and simple reason, they told me that if I didn’t show signs of improvement within 4 months they would amputate my right leg from the mid thigh down.  So yes I was driven to endure the pain and the long days and weeks to come.  I also was driven to never give the bastard the pleasure I seeing me scream and that was another massively important and driving goal of mine, one of which I achieved.

After all the months of therapy and I mean months of therapy, 6 months total in time and those were some brutal months.  I was off to see the Orthopedic Surgeon again, who promptly and without any regret what so ever tells me I am to be discharged because there is nothing else they can do for me, I still have fractured bones that will take years to heal if they ever do heal right at all.  He also informs me that I will never serve in the military ever again, I can forget about running and I’m lucky to be walking at all.  Which I don’t consider the hobble I had to be much of a walk in the first place.  I was hurting so much I couldn’t hardly take a step, however through all of this they not once checked my back for some insane reason. 

Well with discharge papers in hand off I went to try and make due with the new life I had, very much alone, depressed and to be honest suicidal as can be because I had, had a dream taken from me.   So over the course of the next year I bounced from job to job till I got into college, where I met my now ex wife and that is a story for another time.   Suffice to say as the years went on and I healed slowly, she got tired of hearing me bitch and complain about how much I missed the Army and told me to try reenlisting.  Well being the good husband I was, I did just that I talked with a National Guard recruiter that she tried to talk to and reenlist with and he would have nothing to do with her because of her on injury.  So off I went, back through basic training and everything 5 years later.  5 years and I had recovered from an injury they said I would never fully heal from, an injury that would have crippled most people and there I was running around with people 8 years younger than me and leaving them in the dust.  My body had remembered what it was like to be a soldier and how oh how I missed the feelings I had rushing through my body.  That’s also when my injured back came up and bit me in the balls, hard! 

 I made it through though and off I went, I came back home after all my training and my marriage was turning into a living hell, she couldn’t handle me anymore.  I had become the silent type again; all I wanted to do was cuddle and kiss her.  I would try and be affectionate but she couldn’t handle me not talking or showing emotions.   So on and on it went, then I promised myself that if she left me or something happened to her I would return to active duty and sure to my word when she left me I put my papers in to return to active duty.  Three months before I got my orders my divorce was finalized and I finally had my freedom again, no more chain around my neck of a insane wife who couldn’t handle the name she had and she knew I was always like that, even when she found me in college.  So off I went to Bomb Disposal School better known in the military as EOD or Explosive Ordnance Disposal.  That was 2009, so there you go, a snippet into the monster that is me.  

Rat Bastards

  So yeah I'm up and bouncing out the door at 06:15 to take my freezing bum all the way up to the Ammo Holding Area to off load and store 6 rockets we picked up yesterday.  To my amazement who doesn't showup, none other than the rat bastard in charge of the AHA, instead he sends his assistant who's about useless, damn bullet sponge (read infantry).  So yeah I'm pissed off an annoyed, plus freezing on top of it all.  Like toes and fingers freezing, I still manage to get the job done despite about having to basicly teach my driver how to do his end of things aswell while I'm operate the crane at the same time. 

To top it all off, I was suppose to get off early today.  Yeah snowballs have a better chance in hell than me actually getting off early.  Doesn't help that the Platoon Sargeant is a lying sack of shit that found any and all excauses to keep from promoting me.  Yeah I know I know I'm bitching, but this is the only true outlet I have for my frustration instead of some cute lady waiting for me to get home so I can shag her senseless and then start dinner.  I don't even need a beer, I just need a good bj or screwing and a meal, how hard is that?

O'dark stupid!

So it's O'dark stupid back in the States and I'm bored out of my mind here in South Korea.  I'm not exactly looking forward to the cold in the morning, not in the least bit.  Also apparently at some point today, two of the three idiots I had pulled Guard duty on violated their "No Contact" order, so should be fun to see what's going to happen to them and well the soldier who's room it all took place in since he was aware of the order and helped them violate it.   I just don't get it, why can't  people just follow very simple orders?!?!?!  Better question would be, what makes these idiots think that they will get away with helping the other idiots violate those orders.  Somehow it just doesn't add up, I mean I know the term "Common Sense" is a misnomer but really people come on. 

I go back to my belief that stupidity should be painful, I know it's cruel and rather jaded but come on.  Think about how rarely people would do stupid crap if they have a flash back to some very very painful memories for the stupid crap they did in the past.  They aren't likely to repeat that action.  I mean after all Singapore has the right idea about public caning oh man do they ever have the right idea.   Make it hurt and publicly humiliate the idiot in one swoop.   Yes I know people will say well if you had it done to you, you wouldn't agree with it.  First off I'm not gonna be up there because I know how to obey the law, second I know how to follow orders and most important of all.  I like to think things through before I do them, ok not everything as proof shows by burning hell out of my eye like that, but I go back to my statement from before.  STUPIDTY SHOULD BE PAINFUL!!!!   I was stupid, I didn't read the instructions on the box and I paid for it.   Don't get me wrong I will consul someone I care about if they get hurt because of their own actions, I'm not a monster, I do have a heart.  All be it one fairly coated in ice but that's what happens when you get hurt all to often. 

  But I have no problems also taking care of those who because of something simple they got hurt, that's honestly just not right.  We can't foresee the future and predict what will come our way and I refuse to let my broken heart win out and make me heartless and bitter to the core.   There is to much beauty out there and way to much fun to be had to live like that, plus damn it I would like to find a good woman.  I know we all have flaws and I expect her to have the same, biggest problem I run into is a woman that can handle me for me.  That has been one hell of a hassle, I always get chewed out for being the type that's happy to cuddle and very sexual in nature.  Can't help it, if I'm with a woman I like she's gonna know it.  Be it neck, back, shoulder and foot massages because it's nice to give them, it shows I care and well I like keeping my hands busy.  It also gives me time to talk to my woman and find out how her day has been.  Now don't mistake this for me liking to be stepped on or hell me being submissive for that matter, this is me showing I care.  I'm a very dominate personality, just who I am can't help it.  But you can be of a certain mindset and still be giving and loving, it's what makes the human dynamic so amazing. 

So for those reading please give me some input, if need be email me or something. 

Warning!!!

Yeah warning should be writen in huge letters on the side of some contact lense cleaning boxes.  Holy crap!!!!

So I tossed my lenses in my basic contact case last night to clean them while I slept.  I put the first one in and went right to my knees in agonizing pain.  For those who know me, they will often tell you I'm a fairly tough person who can take lots of pain.  But this hurt something horrible, my eye is still recovering from the burns.  Pyroxide is not your friend when it comes to the human eye, oh man does that hurt.  I do think I have found a new torture method to use on the enemy should I ever have to use it.  Still won't do a contrast bath to anyone, four long miserable months of that for two hours a day.  Never again will I suffer that kind of pain, I thought having my heart broken sucked.  Man oh man the pain you can suffer through though is amazing.  Hell some of it even gets to feel good, which I can understand why there are "pain sluts" out there, but damn some of the pain those people enjoy wow. 

Anyscrew I think I'll leave it at that for now. Oh on another note of good news the Prisoner Guard detail ended last night wooohooo. 

"Return unto the Chapter it's due."

To think I missed this place!

Yeah so I get in at O'dark stupid this morning, that's basicly anytime between 00:01 or 12am to 06:00 or 6am for you civie folks.  Anyways as I'm getting out of the cab out comes the 1st Sgt and my Platoon Sgt all kinds of happy to see me.  As soon as they see me the 1st Sgt looks to the Platoon Sgt and says "Oh he's here, well there you go, that's your guy in charge of the platoon tomorrow."  All I can think of at 01:00 is, great what pile of shit did I just land in and why?   So I'm told to be at the 06:30 pt formation like normal, yes I was awake at 05:45 like normal to get ready and I was expecting to lead the platoon all day.  Surprise and amaze the Platoon Sgt shows up and takes over, hey good less hassle for me after just getting back.  I haven't even unpacked my bags yet.  I get the wonderful news that it's gonna be a four day weekend aswell, (awesome I only work one day this week) yeah that got crapped on after the 2 mile run this morning.  Apparently last night three soldiers got locked up and I get to play babysitter for them for 12hrs a day everyday till they are pickedup and moved to a new location for trial, no weekend off like I was hoping because believe me I needed it when I saw all the snow on the ground and the balls in the throat cold I was greeted by when I got back in the country.

Yes folks I'm in a crappy mood and through all of the fun I had on Leave I actually managed to so how miss being in this gods forsaken country and all I can bring myself to admit to is this.  I miss my soldiers.  Pretty damn sad but for the young soldiers in my platoon I feel like a big brother to alot of them and do my damnedest to train and protect them. 

"And he who bleeds with me, shall be my brother!"

Outbound

  So it's that time again, none too happy about it either.   So I'm packing again this time to return to South Korea, I hate that place I really do.  I wanted Iraq or Afgainastain or something where I could actually do my job.  Danger and fear be damned, but instead of that I'm playing the waiting game and going stir crazy in the mean time.  I envy the guys that have someone waiting for them or that can just go out and be man whores and not have any feelings about it.  My morals still get in the way of doing that, so does my honor.  Don't get me wrong; when I actually can find something worth having I hold on to it dearly and tightly, like I might drown if I let go.  I think alot of that comes from the fact that I have been denied a lot in life or have lost a lot. 

Regardless of it all, the few friendships and I mean true friendships and they know who they are.  I would gladly die for those people, I value them so much because of what they have taught me and the purpose they give me.  I've been told I'm foolish and silly for living a life like I do, constantly seeking purpose and reason.  But tis better to live for reason and purpose than to die never having known the satisfaction of completing something great and leaving a mark on the world or a person that could save it.  Butterfly effect also known as Chaos effect is such a beautiful thing.